Kids are busy during the summer and no amount of worry from parents will change that fact. The problem is not with the kids. Rather, the problem is with the parents who are scurrying about trying to make their kids busier.

Idleness is the devil's workshop, says the old adage. That may be true, but the old adage doesn't begin to describe today's children. The truth is, kids may be too busy and they may resent all the organized activities parents have in their plan for summer.

And before the summer is over, all the busy-ness, all the frenzied activity, may result in a pile of anger -- on the part of both child and parent.

As I pondered these truths recently, I decided to ask psychiatrist and Buddhist Mark Epstein how people should cope with their children and still maintain some semblance of life for themselves. Epstein, a New York City psychiatrist, has two children of his own and is now on a book tour for his latest work, "Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart" (Broadway Books, $23).

Epstein says the biggest issue for parents and children is how to find time for the self. How does a person in this goofy age of intense activity find time to hang in a hammock through an afternoon? When can a child, for instance, find an hour to flop on the grass and stare at the cloud formations until one cloud flows into two and forms an image of God?

In fact, for Epstein's children there is very little grass because his family lives in Manhattan, just a short walk from Wall Street. Epstein takes care of that issue by sending the children to day camp every morning on a bus. But he says that does not entirely solve the problem because many parents want perfection.

"There are the life stresses of trying to juggle realities," Epstein's said, "and there are the psychological stresses -- knowing you are failing everything, including career and family. And there is the stress of never having time for family or self."

Epstein says life has become so complicated for children that educators are talking about the concept of "constant learning" and some parents are trying to teach their children before they are even born. Some educators are now challenging even the ancient concept of recess.

Besides, Epstein says, children must also face the inadequacies of life.

"It's important to let parents fail their children," Epstein said. "It's only out of failing that a child can develop empathy and tolerance."

But that development isn't going to happen unless a parent can find the courage to admit the failure.

"The child loves the parent, so they will always accept the apology," Epstein said. "And the child can only truly know the parent through their failures. That goes with the territory."

Some of this is sound therapeutic language, and with Epstein, it comes out of Buddhist thought. When he talks about anger he almost sounds like an ancient lama from the Eastern Hemisphere.

"When confronting anger the real goal is to survive," Epstein said. "The goal is not to retaliate or withdraw. And the goal is certainly not to win but simply to survive and remain present in some way. The secret is not to clamp down on anger so quickly."

Epstein said his personal journey through Reform Judaism to a grounding in Buddhism began when he was in college. His Buddhist philosophy, which he tries to practice in daily life, gave him freedom to face the world.

"I discovered that I did not have to be defined by my own thoughts. It freed me up to stop feeling sorry for myself and to go out into the world and become myself."

The key to caring for young children during summer vacation from school, Epstein said, is to learn to do one thing at a time.

"People sort of take care of their children but at the same time, they are also paying bills, talking on the phone -- all kinds of things," Epstein said. "But when you drop everything else and only take care of that child, it makes a tremendous difference."

Clark D. Morphew