CONFLICT
Pastor Lance Never-Stall, the new pastor at St. Larry's Church by the Tulip Bed, could not understand why there was always so much conflict at his congregation's annual meeting.
In the two years he had served there, both annual meetings had ended in serious conflict. The last meeting culminated in a threat from Calvin Bear that he would burn the church down rather than let the youth league use the adult lounge for meetings. "In five minutes that adult lounge would look like Custer's Last Stand," Calvin Bear had proclaimed loudly.
Nobody really knew what he meant by the Custer's Last Stand remark, but just the reference made people picture a room of bloody bodies. So they relented and voted down the proposal brought by the youth league.
After the annual meeting Pastor Never-Stall and his wife, Pokey Stall-Never would walk the two blocks to the parsonage and sit in their living room shaking their holy heads. They had never seen a congregation that blew off steam with such intensity.
For instance, the first year Pastor Lance served the congregation the subject of a pastoral salary kick came up for discussion. Bruno Bloward stood up to speak and the room grew quiet. Every year Bruno addressed the congregation over some issue and he always began in the same manner.
"It doesn't matter a hill of beans to me," Bruno said. " 'Cause me and the Mrs. are getting out of this community once and for all come spring. I don't know where we'll go but you can bet on it. So pay your preacher anything you want, 'cause for me and my house, we will serve the Lord elsewhere."
Then just as another member was about to speak, Bruno rose to the occasion once more. "I just want to remind you people that this man has served the congregation for only 11 months, having arrived here on or about February one."
The discussion went on for the better part of an hour and finally was decided by a flip of a coin. Heads would mean a 12-month increase, and tails meant an 11-month boost. The 11 month proposal won the toss.
So this year Rev. Never-Stall decided to stop the blowups once and for all. He and his wife, Pokey, devised a plan that would assign one of three categories to each remark: HOPELESS, STUPID AND GOOD. Pokey would be the judge of the remarks, of course, and she would make a big check under one of the categories on the chalkboard after each person spoke. Pastor Lance was captain of the meeting.
Bruno was the first person to speak. "I don't care what you do with this budget," Bruno said, " 'cause me and the wife are out of here come spring."
Before he could continue, Peggy scratched a big check mark under the 'STUPID' category. Bruno froze in his tracks, his eyes as big as hubcaps.
"Slats" Skinnard jumped out of his seat, "That's just what Bruno deserves," Slats thundered. "He's been threatening to leave this church for at least 10 years. I'm sick of him. I make a motion we vote him out right now."
That set off the rest of the congregation. People were making speeches all over the hall, shaking their fists. Some were even walking out of the meeting.
Finally calm was restored and St. Larry's Church returned to its slumbering self. Bruno and his wife, Prunella, never did leave the congregation. But a year later, Pastor Never-Stall and Mrs. Stall-Never left the community to take jobs at a Bible camp.
Clark D. Morphew
Posted 1-9-02