On Being a Curmudgeon
A friend called me a curmudgeon the other day and the remark got me twisting in the wind.
It's true that some seasons of the year get me down. I don't like Halloween, it's a gruesome holiday that teaches children to be beggars. Here in the Midwest we shoot pumpkins out of makeshift cannons just to see them splat on the ground. Meantime, people are starving around the world and we're playing with our food.
But Halloween is not the only holiday when Americans get deeply into self indulgence. Valentines Day is a celebration of carnal affection when everyone is expected to fall in love on cue. I remember the panic of those Valentine Days when I was a child. The torture in knowing whether to give cute little Suzy an intimate valentine or a generic greeting - something like, You're a Nice Kid. I would lie awake at night wondering if I made the right choice.
The Fourth of July gives me a serious rash because I know all my friends will expect me to be patriotic. How can I explain that I have a problem doing things when others expect it. For instance, I seldom laugh at a bad joke just because others are laughing.
Not that the United States is a joke. I consider the United States the greatest nation in the world. It's just that my rebellious nature ....
What's the use? I can't defend myself against the charges. It's true, holidays make me crazy. I think it has something to do with the expectations. I can handle the costumes, the gifts, and the greetings. What does me in is the attitude expectations.
During Halloween we should be scary. On Valentines day we should be affectionate. At Thanksgiving we are instructed to be grateful. The list goes on and on.
So today I am celebrating the end of Halloween. It's true, I am happiest when holidays have ended. But before I skip off into happy-land, let us contemplate being a curmudgeon.
Actually, being a curmudgeon is fairly easy in this day and age if you are able to focus on one issue at a time. For instance, don't think about the starving people in Afghanistan. Don't think about the children lying on their beds, with stomachs extended. Certainly don't you ever think about how families walk for days to escape the war.
The trick in being an absolute curmudgeon is to concentrate on one thing, in this case, the religious fundamentalists who killed more than 5,000 people on Sept. 11.
If you focus long enough on religious fundamentalists you begin to understand that Afghanistan does not harbor the only people with warped theology. Religious fundamentalists are all around us. If they ever congregated in one cell long enough they could rule the country.
Our job is guarding against the jitters. Because if we get sidetracked with our brooding, the religious fundamentalists will step out ahead and before we know it, they'll be a couple miles ahead. Rather, our job is to make the religious fundamentalists fretful. We have to force them to question their theology. We want them to think about their threats to our safety and freedom. We want them to get a little sour and start to wonder about their own terrible dogmas. There's one other thing I know about religious fundamentalists - they're all a bunch of curmudgeons.
Clark D. Morphew
Posted 10-31-01