To Do Before Jan. 1, 2000 !
OK, Pilgrims, we've got a couple of months to get everything in order and start a revolution in the Christian church.
Everything must be revolutionized by the end of December this year or the entire mission is going to go to hell in a handbasket. At least that is what hard-core evangelists -- the charging rhinos of the gospel world -- want us to believe.
We must get on their bandwagon, or we will be in deep trouble when the next millennium actually begins ticking down. Of course, we all know the next millennium doesn't actually begin until Jan. 1, 2001. But many are saying that it must begin on Jan. 1, 2000. Of course, they're wrong and we all know they're wrong, but let's go along with this humbug just for laughs.
Here's what the wise people of the Christian church must do before Jan. 1, 2000:
First, they have to do something about Sunday school. Rumor has it that parents are too busy on Sunday morning to spend more than an hour at church. The boat is waiting in the harbor or the sport utility vehicle is geared for a mountain run. So, the little tykes are not being sent to the halls of learning.
I have always said the modern-day Sunday school is the most effective teacher of heresy humankind has ever devised. For instance, I once knew Sunday school teachers who were still telling little children that the sound of thunder was made by angels bowling in heaven.
In that way, the Sunday school as we know it has become an enemy and not a friend. If I were a parish pastor, my inclination would be to bolt the doors to the educational wing and not let a soul in. But there are many dedicated Sunday school teachers who would not tolerate such a move, and most clergy would find it futile to try to eliminate the thing.
A lack of general knowledge about Christianity is the biggest sign of the tragedy facing us. A generation of people are biblically illiterate. Hand them a Bible and ask them to turn to Thessalonians, and they will stare at you in mute wonder. Ask them to find the New Testament, and many will run from the task. The current generation, those raising families, is a platoon of biblical illiterates -- they don't know scat about scripture.
Therefore, someone must discover a plan to improve the Sunday school. Someone must find a way to painlessly teach the basics of the faith.
Secondly, we can't live like this. There once was a time when people would actually sit down with their Bible to have a quiet moment contemplating the footsteps of their Lord. But now, many people don't know how to be quiet for 15 minutes, and the rest can't even find their Bible. We have to rediscover these methods for silent retreat.
The third problem we have is that people need to get out of church faster. I have received letters asking me why I don't write about the slow process to dismiss people from church. Apparently, some people are nervous the roast beef may burn in the oven. Others just get antsy and want to prance outside to have a few minutes of freedom.
But here is the sad truth. There is no way to empty the church faster unless you cut holes in the walls for more exits.
The other solution is to have a little post-worship party. I have heard some congregations save all the best music for after the service. People are so reluctant to leave that ushers use crow-bars to pry them from the pews. If you have a juggler in the congregation, have the guy pop out of a side room and throw some balls in the air. If you have a soprano, get her to sing a carnival tune at the end of the service and invite people to dance.
If you haven't already guessed, the moral to my three-point sermon is there isn't one problem the church currently has that can't be solved with a bit of good humor.
If that is hard for you to believe, send me your congregation's woes. My highly trained staff of goofballs will find a good solution, and we will send them back to you as soon as possible.
And if you and your church don't have problems, please send me your name and address, and I will personally send all the letters to you for solutions. After all, there's nothing like a problem to get people thinking.
And that has been the problem all along.
Clark D. Morphew
8-21-99
