Therefore, please allow me to relate a couple of stories about weddings that will drive anxious couples and their parents into fearful fits.

The first wedding was held in a beautiful suburban church outside Minneapolis. A young man of my acquaintance was serving that day as an usher for his friend's wedding.

Before the wedding service, the pastor gathered the ushers together and sternly lectured them on their duties, emphasizing that this was one of the most important days of the bride and groom's life. Therefore, if they messed up the wedding in any way, they would be embarrassed for the rest of their lives. And they would deserve all the humiliation they received.

So, the ushers got everyone seated without incident, and the wedding service began. The first thing I noticed was a young man with very big hair that formed a sort of tunnel so that not much air circulated around his face.

Being somewhat experienced in these matters, I kept my eye on the young fellow with tunnel hair and, sure enough, he soon started to sway and quickly crumpled on the hard, tiled floor. The ushers jumped to their feet and sat him in the pew while the wedding service continued. He was revived and insisted on returning to the wedding party standing before the altar.

Within a minute or two, he went down again, this time with a thud that sounded like a carp flopping on a wooden dock. The ushers dragged him away from the altar and out the back door. The preacher by this time had launched into his sermon, a massive lecture that lasted at least 30 minutes. All that time the wedding party was standing up front facing the minister.

When the sermon ended, the pastor called for the rings. He held out his hand for the ring. The rings were placed into his hand securely, but when the preacher turned toward the altar, the wedding bands flew from his hand as if propelled by an evil spirit.

Because the church floor was tile, the bands of gold bounced around the altar area. A groomsman went running after one and caught it mid-bounce. The other clattered under the altar and did a spin like a saucer placed unevenly on a table.

One of the groomsmen crawled under the altar, retrieved the ring, placed it in the minister's hand and then closed the parson's hand over the gold bands. Everyone in the church began laughing, and the frivolity continued for a couple of minutes. Finally the wedding was over, and the bride and groom were radiant. The ushers, of course, were feeling victorious, and the parson was hiding in shame inside his office with the door closed.

The second wedding happened in a small town in Iowa. The preacher was young and inexperienced, and the bride and groom were just out of high school.

Before the wedding, the pastor brought the groom into his office to look over the wedding license. The young groom looked surprised and told the preacher he didn't know he needed a license to get married. "What business does the state have with who I marry and when I marry?" the groom asked.

The parson tried to explain the reasons for the legal stuff but seemed to be failing, so he told the groom the wedding was going to have to be postponed. The pastor went into the sanctuary and told the crowd the wedding would be rescheduled for the following Saturday. Everyone groaned and then went to the basement of the church to retrieve their gifts.

I pointed out to the preacher that he could have performed the ceremony that day and then repeated the rite when the bride and groom had a license. Of course, in his panic, that scenario had never crossed his mind.

Clark D. MorphewMay 9, 1998